puranickoftime

1944 – the movie, Gaslight.

A loving husband (played by the amazing Gregor Antony) comforts his wife (the beautiful Ingrid Bergman) as she tells him she hears voices & sees the lights of her house dim & brighten at night. She’s hallucinating, he tells her.

Ingrid slowly realises that she is going insane. Her husband continues to explain that its “all in her head”.

Except, it isn’t.

Gregor is the reason there are strange noises & dimming lights in the house, and poor Ingrid does not realise it.her.

The term “gaslighting” came to be used after the release this critically acclaimed movie, which depicts how continual psychological abuse & manipulation of the victim bya psychopath, can eventually take a toll on their mental health and make them question their own sanity.

Psychopath.

This word makes movie buffs recall cold blooded killers – characters like Hannibal Lecter in the Silence of The Lambs, Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, Catherine Tramell in Basic Instinct, Amy Dunne in Gone Girl… well, the list goes on.

But its a little more complicated than that.

Dr Hannibal Lecter in Silence of The Lambs.

Some would say Cersei from Game of Thrones is a psychopath, while I would say she’s more of narcissist. (More on this the next time.)

Remember when our dear Sherlock Holmes was called a psychopath? But Holmes corrects it by calling himself a highly functioning sociopath.

How do you know who’s a psychopath and who’s a sociopath?

For one, Sociopaths, unlike psychopaths, do feel emotions.

Think Angelina Jolie in the movie Girl, Interrupted.

She and Winona Ryder portray inmates of a mental hospital.

Jolie taunts a former inmate, Daisy about the rape she suffered at her father’s hand- saying she enjoyed it.

Daisy commits suicide & when she is found dead, Winona cries and breaks down. Jolie however, says this:

This is something a psychopath would do.

But at the very end – when Winona severely reprimands Jolie and blames her for Daisy’s death, this happens-

Jolie bursts into tears of remorse and goes on a rant of self loathing. She then tries to commit suicide.

This itself proves that Jolie isn’t a psychopath- she’s probably a sociopath, or maybe not even that.

And why is this out of character for a psychopath? Because here’s the thing:

Psychopaths never commit suicide or undergo suicidal ideation. They drive others to do it.

The word remorse is absent in their dictionary.

A Psychopath feels nothing & fears no one. His moral compass? It doesn’t exist.

Famous psychopaths you’ve probably heard of are Josef Mengele (The Nazi doctor who carried out cruel torture experiments like sewing twins up to make his own Conjoined twins), Ivan the Terrible, serial killer Ted Bundy… And oh, topping the list- the guy who killed more than six million jews and other folks – Adolf Hitler.

But all psychopaths aren’t criminals rotting at jails or murderers committing heinous crimes.

They aren’t all going on killing sprees, or setting up idealistic crime scenes to frame a cheating husband and then killing an old stalker after leading them on. (Gone Girl)Barney got taken for a ride. Quite literally.

In real life, they hide in plain sight- because they learn to mimic emotions by watching others, even if they can’t feel them. They get good at “pretending to be good”.

So there is always a probabilty that there may be a psychopath hidden amongst us – somewhere amidst our friends, family or even life partner.

And for the rest of our & perhaps even their lives, most of us remain oblivious to who they are!

You may think, nonsense, what are the odds?

Well, the according to studies, Psychopaths comprise 1-4% of the population. And subclinical psychopaths- they’re about 5-10%.

Which means you already have or you probably will encounter this person at least once in your lifetime.

Psychopathy is the most dangerous of Anti Social Personality disorders.

So you need to be able to at least suspect who’s in the sheep’s clothing.

Lest you want to be lamb chops for the wolf.

Psychopaths come off as charming, friendly & funny- right until the mask falls off.

Remember Ted Bundy, the serial killer? His colleagues and friends were shocked when he was arrested for the murder of more than 30 women across the United States. He had even worked at a Suicide Helpline Center at one point in his life!

Bundy studied psychology and law. It was probably his charming & likeable nature that attracted these women to him. He raped and murdered them, and carry out necrophilia. He’d decapitate the bodies and take souvenirs to his home. He left no finger prints and he was an expert at destroying evidence.

Bundy even tried to manipulate families of his victims to get him freed. He fed different psychiatrists different stories about his upbringing – and managed to convince some that he was depressed (depression never coexists with psychopathy). But the law caught with him, and he was executed on the electric chair.

Ted Bundy during his trial. Once described as a handsome & charismatic young man by others, Bundy went on to call himself “the most cold hearted son of a bitch you’ll meet.”

Psychopaths start out as a sweet new “friend”, who manages to get incredibly close to you in a very short period of time – smooth talkers & great listeners.

They pretend that they want to get to know “you”- not because they have the slightest interest – but because this makes it easier to analyse your behavior, detect any weaknesses & insecurities- and use them against you.

For instance, lets say your weakness is that you fear loneliness.

The psychopath will first shower you with all of his/her attention, staying close at all times until you’re absolutely under their control.

Then, he will try hot and cold behaviour. Ignoring you for no reason, then acting absolutely normal.

He will feed off your nervousness when you’re ignored, so that you’re afraid to be alone. You’ll ask yourself questions – what have I done? – and when you confront him, he will deny and laugh it off.

He will repeat this cycle of handing over and witholding something from you, leaving you more emotionally drained each time.

On a lighter note, the guy who isn’t calling you back after five texts isn’t a psychopath- he’s probably passed out after one too many drinks or watching a game with his homies.

Back on track.

Another common trait of psychopaths is manipulation of others for his own benefit- We call it Machiavellianism.

Let me explain using a single example-

Imagine you have been severely beaten black and blue by your partner. You confront them about it the next day.

They respond by one or more of these behaviors-(all of which are time & tested manipulation tricks used by psychopaths. )

Changing the topic (Diversion)
Explaining that everyone does it (rationalisation of incorrect behavior)
Laughing & saying that it isn’t a big deal (minimalization)
Pointing out your flaws or past mistakes to make you feel worthless (shaming)
Reminding you of the times they helped you & got you out of trouble (guilt tripping)
Holding you responsible for getting beaten (blaming)
Say they’re a bigger person for tolerating you (playing victim)
Threaten that this won’t be the last time they hit you (Intimidation)
Saying it never happened (Lying/Denial/ feigning confusion)

Psychopaths are egocentric and arrogant- they think they can do no wrong. They will never take blame but find scapegoats.

Psychopaths are impulsive and promiscuous. Some leave behind a trail of multiple superficial relationships.

They seek quick excitement & tend to be bored often.

Jeffrey Dahmer, serial killer with 17 known victims. He raped, killed, dismembered and ate them. While some argue that he was a psychopath, others diagnosed him as suffering from borderline personality disorder. Unlike Bundy, Dahmer had distorted thinking and feared rejection & loss.

Psychopaths are empty. No sadness, no fear, no love, no attachment, no depression, no anxiety. Simply put, They do not care about the emotions of others.

However, they do have outbursts of anger. Note that this is different from reactive anger (felt by normal people). In the former, there is no loss of reality (they can describe in detail what happened) followed by shame.

So if you’re worried that you’re a psychopath, kindly stop right there, Because, Psychopaths DO NOT worry.

And if you’re now starting to see psychopaths everywhere, stop, please. I’ll write an article about Paranoia, but some other time.

A person who is slightly manipulative or insensitive, can’t be called a psychopath. It needs more than wild guesswork to label them- something a newbie can’t.

But lets forget the psychopaths for now.

Lets focus on the important people, the ones who actually need our help- their victims.

The Psychopath sees getting rid of targets or weakening them, as survival of the fittest, or he simply gets a kick out of seeing them struggle (similar to even drug addiction).

He chooses someone who will fall for his tricks easily- usually someone with limited life experience or who trusts quickly.

We call these people kind or innocent.

To him, they are – “weak and stupid” and in his eyes they “deserve what they got“.

Others on his list are those eager to please others (the ones who can never say no), people who are new to a place, desperate for attention, lonely and lacking good family support, love or friendships.

Ted Bundy’s Victims- He preyed on 18 to 25 year old white women, mostly college students.

Vulnerable people show traits that are the exact opposite of psychopathy– They’re highly emotional, They’re less likely to judge people, making it hard for them to analyse a psychopath’s true intentions.

Psychopaths also feed on people with low self esteem or poor confidence, and other ongoing or unrecognised issues like depression or anxiety.

Surprisingly, Introverts are less likely to be victims. Why? Perhaps since they do not open up- and it is more difficult for the psychopath to analyse them.

Everything said and done, anybody can be a victim.

But remember, no matter what someone’s shortcomings, nobody else has the right to bully them for it.

Say you’ve been a victim of psychopathic abuse or manipulation, what should you do?

Or if you’ve got an acquaitance/ coworker/ lover who you strongly, suspect is psychopathic? What do you do then?

Why are all these guys named Nick? Damn.

I’ll come to that, but let me clear some things up first.

Psychopathy CANNOT be treated.

Infact, when given counselling, they did not improve. Instead they learnt to be smarter & attack their victims better.

Victims will mostly never understand the true gravity of the situation for what it is- until it is too late.

Any help has to come from family and friends.

The roadblock here is a lack of social and family support. Psychopaths either select a victim who is already lonely or try best to isolate victims from the ones who actually care about them.

But the worst mistake many victims make (- usually spouses- ) even those who have been told of the psychopath’s true nature, is carrying misguided notions that anything can be cured by love and patience.

Hate to break this hollywood romcom inflated bubble, but love doesn’t work on psychopaths.

Suicide Squad- The Joker apparently falls in love with Harley Quinn. What a Bollywoody thing to do! When will movie makers learn to depict a psychopath more realistically?

So back to the original question – what do you do when you’ve got a psychopath in your life?

You ignore them.

You pay no mind to their lies if they’re a colleague.

You slowly drive them out of your friend circle or cut them off.

You gain the strength to walk out of what you know is a psychopathic relationship.

You set up boundaries in your life & you build your self confidence.

And you never, ever let them get to your head or back in your life.

Easier said than done, I know. But it works – Unless you’re facing violent behavior, or a crazy psychopath, in which case you have to report it – before things go haywire.

Remember, you need counselling and medical help to deal with the aftermath of a psychopath’s wreckage in your life. Do not hesitate to ask for it.

If you’re angry and you want them to be hurt and suffer like you once did, don’t try to play a hero. You cannot outsmart a psychopath. Why?

1)Because they’re more experienced at these games.

2)Since they do not feel emotions, it will most certainly not work.

So stay safe and stay out of sight. Because practically speaking, this is the real world, and the lamb doesn’t hunt the wolf.